Wednesday, July 29, 2009

reflection - one year later (part 1)

As my brother's one year death anniversary approaches, I have been thinking a lot of that day, June 29th when I received the worst news anyone could ever receive. I honestly hate recalling every moment leading up to that phone call from Peel Police to the after math. I hate thinking about the last time I saw Gino and how he dropped me off at my condo and told me that I would see him on the 29th (he was suppose to sleep over and then we were going to watch a movie the next day). I had just come back from vacation and with him opening up his new record store, we haven't had a chance to talk. I purposely took off the 30th to spend the day with him.

I wanted to reflect on what I had to go through this year. I am writing here on my blog because I want to document my feelings, I am not really doing this to broadcast it. But if you care to read this long winded post - thanks for listening/reading.

First I want to say that losing someone is something I would not wish anyone to go through. It was quite a shock and at times, I still don't believe it's true. I don't think that I will ever truly understand why anyone would want to end their life but at the same time, if it means that the person is in less pain and in a better place, then maybe I have to accept the choice that they made. Throughout the past year, I would also think to myself that "this is just not happening to me, my family and Gino's friends". It's like something that happened out of a movie and it's not suppose to happen in real life. But then reality kicks in and I realize that Gino is gone.


Everyone who knew Gino was shocked at the news. Gino was a people person. He was always surrounded by friends, family and co-workers. I don't think that you can consider him a loner. Sure, he was quiet at times but there were also times when he would not shut up. I remember Andrew (one of Gino's best friends) sending Mike a text, although it went to my phone, wondering what happened to Gino. The cops has contacted most of them and they had no idea what was going on. They were worried - who wouldn't be?? I then remember calling Anjay to confirm Gino's death and I think Anjay just hung up on me or maybe he didn't. I can't for the life of me recall what our conversation was like. I just know that it was hard to tell his friends, friends that he grew up with (some since grade 2), that Gino had ended his life. I have no idea to his day what went through their minds and what they had to do to cope. All I know is that they were all there for each other, supporting each other.

I can't even imagine what my parents were going through - losing their baby, their only son. I don't talk to my parents about the whole ordeal. I tried to talk to my mom but it hurts too much and we get so emotional. My dad, he is old school and very quiet. He doesn't say much about it. I don't really want to get into the details of how it was trying to find my parents that one Sunday when I got the news but I have to say, it was difficult and most of it is a blur. I am glad that we had the support of my mom's best friends, my dad's cousins and brother, Gino's friends, my friends, my in-laws and most of all Mike.

***I started writing this prior to June 29th, then I got sick, couldn't concentrate anymore and left it to finish up one day. There is so much more I want to write. I will post it for now and continue on when I can sit down and type it all out. It may come in several parts but for my own purposes, I hope to have it all together in one document.***

4 comments:

Giselle said...

Thanks for sharing. I will be here to read/listen on.

Maureen said...

I miss him and think of him often. I'm just a phone call away or a short drive away if you need me of ANYTHING.

leesha said...

Maureen - I know you are just a phone call away and I do call you when I am about to lose it on the bus ride home.

It's been tough for everyone but somehow we manage right?

leesha said...

Maureen - I know you are just a phone call away and I do call you when I am about to lose it on the bus ride home.

It's been tough for everyone but somehow we manage right?