Friday, June 29, 2012

Since you've been gone...


It's been four years since my brother left this world. June 29 will always be a sad day for my family. At one point, it was a happy day, my late grandfather's birthday and also the day that my hubby and I moved into our condo six years ago. But it's all been taken away by the sad departure of my one and only brother.

It's hard to believe that it's been four years. Four years where most of his friends have moved on, my mom has moved away to California, my dad and I have tried to move on without my brother in our lives. It's horrible to know that everyone has gone on with their lives with a deeply broken heart left by the one person who meant so much to us. Every year since he passed, my family has spent this day with his friends, remembering the days when he was here on this earth with us. This year, I decided not to trouble his friends for a get together to remember his life. It pains my heart that I won't be with them on this day but at the same time, I can't keep bringing them back into my life when they have moved on.

During the four years without him, I have tried to keep him in my heart and mind but also knowing that every time this year, the feeling of loss, depression and guilt will come back to haunt me. I tried to get rid of the anger I feel at the fact that HE decided to be selfish and end his life. It kills me inside. I put on a happy face and try to move but in reality, I will never move on. I will never know the reason why he was depressed, why he chose to end his life, why he was taken from us too soon. It hurts to also think that I am glad he is in his own happy place and whatever pain and sorrow he was burdened with, is no longer with him. The question is, how can I feel anger and relief at the same time...

After the 2nd year, I decided not to take the day off so I can immerse myself in work and not think of the dreadful day I received the call from the police. I decided again this year not to take the day off but I know that I will feel a bunch of emotion as the day goes on. I do believe that when I got together with his friends on this day, I felt like he was with me but I can't keep on relying on his friends for the sense of relief because as loving as they are, they will not always be there. On this day, I will try my best to put on my happy face, remember the good times I had with him and continue to think that he is on a long extended vacation (I realize that this is not the best way to deal with his death).

Gino - wherever you are, please know that I miss you immensely, and that nothing in this entire world can comfort the pain I feel with your absence. Just as we got so close as siblings, you left. There are times when I feel so alone but I know that you are always looking down on me. There were and are so many people you left behind, so many people who cared for your well-being, who could have helped you with whatever trouble you were feeling. I want to kick you for not coming to us with your pain. It's a burden we could have handled instead of the burden we feel now that we were not able to help. I will never accept your decision to leave us but I will never be mad at you. Four years seems forever but I know that we have a lifetime of pain without you. People say the pain lessen as years go by and it does but my heart will always feel empty with you gone. Please think of me always, like I think of you. Send me a sign today so I know you are okay. You know that big sisters will always worry about their younger sibling. I love you and miss you like crazy. Rest in peace my little brother.


7 comments:

Elisse said...

This is both powerful and heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry for your loss, Leesh - I can barely begin to imagine how difficult today can be. I hope Gino let's you know that he's okay, safe and at peace. xoxo

Kathy said...

i sit here with tears in my eyes because this post is haunting and hits close to home for me. you know about my depression and that i also suddenly lost my father a few years ago so to some degree, i know what you are feeling/going through. i'm so sorry for your loss, leesh. while we can never forget, we somehow move on but that empty feeling in our hearts will be there forever. you're in my thoughts; give me a call if you need to talk. xoxoxo love you

Marz said...

Leesh I'm sitting here at work with tears in my eyes, my heart just breaking for you and your mom at the sadness that you will be feeling not only today, but have felt for the past four years. What I wouldn't give to be able to come spend the day with you doing fun things to help you put on your happy face. Gino is with you always and whenever you look at your G tattoo I hope you always remember that he's looking down on you! I feel like he's truly at peace when I think of signs he's given you like the Cabbage Patch doll you saw in that toy store in NYC that's name was Gino. That was definitely a sign! I'm sending you lots of hugs of comfort during such a difficult day. Remember I'm here for you Leesh. I'll be on the computer all day long at work so email me anytime if you want to talk.

Sandy a la Mode said...

oh leesh, i am soo sorry for your loss and the pain you felt and continue to feel. what a great post to remember him~ xo

No Guts, No Glory said...

I could hardly read this entire post, as tears were welling up. I think you've come a long way in your process (which I'm sure will continue). You are are much more articulate/vocal, which is indicative of greater acceptance, and even being at peace (in my opinion, anyway). Hugs :)

Kasey Lynne said...

Oh Leesh...my heart breaks for you everytime you talk about your brother. I can only imagine how painful it is to lose someone as close to you as a brother. You are in my thoughts and prayers friend.

Elaine A (TOBeautyReviews) said...

Leesh - forgive me I have no words :( and I know I'm reading this super late...cuz I'm bad like that at keeping up with blogs..but thinking of you.